It still amazes me when the divorce rate is over 50% and shows like the Bachelor has ratings that are at a all time high that we still look for austere relationships in our society, when we clearly are losing touch with the morals, ethics and values that was the mucilage for such partnerships to exists. Today more than ever we are more into self-indulgence than self-restraint. In the past if you were hit on while in a committed relationship a majority we pass on the advancement knowing what they have at home and not jeopardize it. Today it’s a crap shoot. Men and women are both guilty nowadays the interconnection that was once held up on a pedestal is not on the ground floor. Open relationships seem like the more modern way to having a loving partnership and still be satisfied where your lover may be lacking.
In an article in Vogue Magazine columnist Karley Sciortino explains her nine months “open” relationship with her girlfriend. She explains the sexual freedom she feels of not being pinned down with one sexual partner and how she during her run with her girlfriend how she would still find herself having sex with guys she met from various mediums whether online or a night club or a random hookup. Sciortino explains that she never really liked being monogamous in her male/female relationships and in her current one she explained to her girlfriend that she wanted to have sexual freedom. Now she still has the jealousy issues that a normal relationship has when her girlfriend has “company” over, but Sciortino says it’s a small price to pay. Author Dan Savage argues that sexual fidelity is not a prerequisite for a committed relationship.
Feeling the emotions of jealousy and discontent the author turned to somebody they knew who had an “open” relationship and was able to find their comfort zone within their homogeneousness parameters. “We wanted to be together, but we didn’t want to feel tied down,” Samantha told me. She explained that she and her boyfriend were the type of people who want to challenge societal standards. “Personally, I wanted to deconstruct the common idea of what a romantic relationship should be, and for our relationship to stand on its own.” The friend had even thought to bring a third person into the relationship to enhance the excitement and bonding experience. She also thought bringing in friends and people they both knew was acceptable, but the boyfriend wanted random hookups and strangers over her practical requests.
Still trust, respect and communication are the foundational elements that can make an open relationship work just like in monogamous ones. Rules are a good way to set the boundaries. They should realistic and incorporate the other feelings into consideration. For Sciortino she noted that her rules were: no sleeping with mutual friends, no sleepovers, no regulars and no sex within an hour of meeting them. Let’s hope that works
Another article I read in the New York Post was about a “triad” couple Ezza, Rachel and Matt who found themselves online and decided to meet in person back in 2009. The couple had chemistry and shared views on dating, love and relationships and immediately hit it off. “I was really excited to meet people who felt the same way,” she says of her ongoing relationship with the married couple, both 34-year-old self-employed artists, who declined to use their last names because of privacy reasons. Gette Levy of open love NY is a local support group for open relationships which now has over 1,000 members and has increased it’s numbers since forming in 2009. “Dating has changed over the past 50 years,” says Levy. “Many adults of all ages are finding that monogamy does not suit them and is no longer a fiscal and social requirement.”
To be honest with TV shows like “Sister Wives” and “Polyamory: Married & Dating” and celebrities like Robin Thicke grabbing Lana Scalaro’s behind and not face consequences with his wife Paula Patton. Even power couple Will and Jada Smith are rumored to have a “open” relationship,so how can it not entice the average person to see what’s it’s like? To add onto that Dolly Parton, Mo’ Nique, Tilda Swinton and even politician Newt Gengrich’s wife Marianne asked for a “open marriage”. Researchers in Germany and in the University of Wisconsin show that the women are the ones usually to initiate an “open” relationships after becoming bored physically with their partners who they’re been with multiple years.
Ezzo’s partner Matt agrees: “The biggest misconception people have about open relationships is that it’s a nonstop party. We only have 24 hours in a day and most of that is taken up with work, sleep and responsibilities to the home and each other. To see someone else takes a lot of planning. We live by the calendar more than the bedroom.” “I feel like monogamy sets us up to fail in so many ways….that this one person is going to meet all of our needs — emotional, sexual, physical, spiritual, financial, physical — and that’s impossible,” says Taormino.
According to Time magazine most creatures including humans are not monogamous for the reasons you might previously would have thought of. One reason comes from Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences which finds that primitive males stayed with the female to ensure that their young were not killed by another male. The study was based on findings from the parenting behaviors of 230 different primate species over several generations. The males began the balance of spreading their gene pool and protecting their young. Other males would kill the young so they could breed with the mother and spread their gene pool. So monogamy in this case was more of a way to protect the lineage rather than a sense of a obligation to the sexual partner. “This is the first time that the theories for the evolution of monogamy have been systematically tested, conclusively showing that infanticide is the driver of monogamy,” trumpeted Christopher Opie, a research fellow in the Anthropology Department of University College London, in a statement. “This brings to a close the long running debate about the origin of monogamy in primates.”
The other theory about how monogamy came to be came from the journal “Science” made another similar analysis that used over 2,500 mammals. The findings from this research show that primates may have been monogamous because of location and supply for their counterpart. “Monogamy develops where females live at low density,” says Lukas. Males cannot fend off rival suitors from more than one female at a time because they’re too spread out. Therefore, they cannot ensure their young are the ones the female is carrying, so they stick with one female. “It’s a consequence of resource defense.” The Science study notes that in mammalian species that are monogamous, the females tend to be solitary and intolerant of other females. Unlike ungulates, who are rarely monogamous, these mammals’ nutritional needs are greater, and they therefore shoo off competitors for the food resources.The Science study is more speculative. “We are cautious on making any definite statement. Humans are such unusual animals,” says Lukas. Adds Clutton-Brock: “I’m far from convinced that humans are indeed monogamous.”
Do I think having an open relationship is the way to go? For me no, I having a loving strong relationship with my wife and do not want to jeopardize that. However, I can see why people choose to look outside their current relationship. I don’t understand when people want to demonize individuals for being honest when they say they want to be in a relationship with more than one person at a time. It’s those same people who will brand you with the Scarlet letter that need to clean their own house and get priorities in order. Sometimes your partner can have everything you want in a relationship, except one or two attributes you really want. While they might not be deal breakers for the relationship it might be something you still really want. Put it like this too many relationships I see today have too many secrets,no trust, no love and they think they are still living some antediluvian religious moral code by staying together because it’s just the two of them. What if having an “open” relationship is the answer to a hard question one of you wants to ask?, but doesn’t because of the fear of sounding like a sexual deviant.